Smackdown World Title: Daniel Bryan (YES! YES! YES!) vs SheamusRandy Orton vs Kane
Why not make this thing 5 seconds? Michael Cole keeps calling Orton's elevated DDT a "bulldog" which is annoying. Nothing much of note happens until Kane finishes Orton with a chokeslam off of the middle rope. Odd booking decision there. Kane bores me now, which is weird because I was really into his last run as World Champ.
Santino is eating crab legs backstage with Mick Foley and some guy from some fishing television show (I assume). This segment is not going well. Thankfully, Ron Simmons shows up and DAMNs a plate of crab right out of Santino's hands.
Intercontinental Title: Cody Rhodes vs Big Show
Apparently they're feuding because Rhodes has pointed out that Show always loses at Wrestlemania. I guess you could call him the anti-Undertaker. Not much going on here either. Finish looked like it was supposed to be Show spearing Cody out of the air, but Show ends up shoulderblocking Rhodes right in the nuts. They should seriously redo the disfigured gimmick with Cody going around with an athletic cup.
Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos vs Beth Phoenix and Eve
Man, this show is off to a slow start. I've always wondered, does Kelly Kelly sing her own entrance theme? It's annoying as fuck. Let me also say that I have no idea who Maria Menounos is. Kelly Kelly actually breaks out the Molly-Go-Round at one point, which she should totally use as her finisher. In case anyone is keeping track, there has been an audible "Daniel Bryan" chant from the crowd at some point during every match so far. Menounos gets the pin with a rollup. Fine for a divas match, which isn't saying a whole lot nowadays.
Hell in a Cell: Undertaker vs HHH
Now we're talking. Jim Ross comes down first. Then Shawn Michaels. Then HHH. Then Taker. Then the cage gets its own entrance music. Sheesh, no wonder they had no time for Bryan/Sheamus. Not much in terms of a wrestling exhibition, but as a dramatic brawl with the theatrics turned up full blast, this one hits all the right notes. Not surprisingly, Shawn almost steals the show as the conflicted referee, torn between doing the right thing or helping his best friend. There's one fantastic Sweet Chin Music/Pedigree combo that I almost bought as a finish there, which is saying a lot since it's pretty much common knowledge that HHH had no shot at winning here. Nice little throwback to the second Taker/Shawn match, as HHH uses the last of his energy to crotch chop Taker before eating a Tombstone. This would be the fourth straight Mania classic from Undertaker, which is quite the impressive run.
They bring out the Hall of Fame inductees for a round of applause. Isn't Flair still under TNA contract? Edge looks strange without the long hair. Gotta say though, his Alter Bridge entrance music is still one of the greatest themes ever.
Team Johnny vs Team Teddy
Well. I'm glad they managed to get everyone into some match without Money in the Bank. Dolph Ziggler is wasted here. And indeed, the only thing that gets any sort of real reaction out of the crowd is Ziggler taking an insane face-fist somersault bump off of a monkey flip. Seriously, the dude sells a monkey flip like he just got pounced by Monty Brown and hit with Stan Hansen's lariat in conjunction. Anyway. Zack Ryder looks to have the match won, but Eve distracts him, allowing Miz to connect with the Skull Crushing Finale for the pin. And since that apparently isn't enough, Eve kicks Ryder in the nuts after the match. Well. I'd say that effectively sums up their relationship. And Zack Ryder's last 3 months or so.
RAW World Title: CM Punk vs Chris Jericho
Chris Jericho's jacket is fantastic. If that thing were on WWE.com, I'd certainly purchase one. At one point Cole is surprised that Punk kicks out of the Lionsault, but I think it's been like a decade since anyone's ever lost to the Lionsault. Surprisingly kind of a slow match at first, but things pick up towards the end when they start trading submissions. Jericho actually alternates between the Liontamer and the Walls of Jericho, which is a really cool touch.
He should seriously try to get both holds over as two distinctive submission moves. Sick finish with Punk countering the Walls into the Anaconda Vice. Great match, as you'd expect from these two.
Brodus Clay is here to dance. He actually brings out his dancing mother, which is about as weird as it sounds. Fun fact: Brodus Clay's entrance music was actually Ernest "The Cat" Miller's theme during his brief WWE run.
The Rock vs John Cena
The build for this match has literally been over a year long, which is pretty unheard of nowadays. There's some stuff with MGK and Flo Rida before the match, but we'll just pretend that didn't happen. Cena comes out rocking a green Celtics-inspired shirt and cap. Yeah, we get it, he's from Boston. Massive pop for the Rock, obviously. The match wasn't quite up to the lofty standards of pre-Hollywood Rock, but pretty darn good for a guy working his first singles match in nearly a decade.
I didn't think it was possible, but I think Rock's Sharpshooters are actually getting worse over time. Cena gets his beast-mode spot of the evening by rolling through Rock's top rope crossbody seamlessly into the Attitude Adjustment. Damn. When that doesn't get the job done, he makes the mistake of trying the People's Elbow, which allows Rock to pop up and hit the Rock Bottom for the pin. Not the guy I would have put over, but I guess they're expecting Rock back at some point before next year's Wrestlemania.
Slow out of the gates, but a pretty good show overall. The Daniel Bryan/Sheamus mess was a big misstep, but they may have inadvertently turned Bryan into a bigger star as a result. Worth checking out for Punk/Jericho, Rock/Cena, and Taker/HHH.
